I Admit It, I'm A Runner... Emotionally!
Do you ever look back at the person you used to be?
I do... Not all of the time, there is enough about me now, that keeps me busy in thought and action!
But occasionally I look back.
For the most part I am happy with who I am becoming.
I hope with this life, that I am blessed to experience, that I evolve, get better; change the bad, enhance the good, refine and polish, continue to grow, learn and improve.
I can see in many ways that I have.
Something that I'm still working on is my urge or instinct to RUN!
Part of it is nature, part of it is nurture. Part of it is understandable, part of it isn't.
Of course I'm not talking about my ability to run in the literal sense, although there have been literal cases... me actually walking or running away... but I'm of course speaking figuratively, emotionally.
My friend said to me once 'But your mom is a counselor, you know how to express your emotions.' Yes, my mom has been a counselor for most of my life. I have all of the 'tools in my toolbox' to be a successful communicator, behavior patterns make sense to me, I can see why we do a lot of the things we do. I have the tools to know how and what I'm feeling, to express that in a healthy way.
But, also, just because I have the toolbox, full of tools, doesn't mean I always make the best choices. It doesn't mean I always feel safe using them, or that it's always easy, or that I'm successful in how I express those emotions, especially when I'm not feeling all bright and shiny! And, if there is a case of co-munication... well that 'co' also becomes a factor right?
By nature I am emotional. I think because of how I was raised and who I am, I feel comfortable sharing who I am... when I feel good about who I am.
I know I'm a deep feeler. I'm not embarrassed by my emotions. I make mistakes. I get angry. I'm not afraid to cry, it feels quite natural to me! I'm also very happy, quite positive and look for the good things in life. When you are going through something I am there. I believe we can all relate and I will cry with you, lift and love you, and share what I can.
But, as a deep feeler, (and I think general human nature is) if I fall into that place where I don't feel good about who I am, or when I have been hurt, or I am in a dark place, for whatever the reason may be... there is no reaching, no sharing, no hearing. In fact sometimes it is all I can do to stay in one place and finish a 'conversation'. There are times I just can't be reached! My only instinct is to run, get away!
Mind you, I am a person of integrity. If things aren't resolved for me it is tough for me to act like something isn't wrong! You can see I'm a delight to live with at times... unable/unwilling to talk, but clearly bothered or upset. This is all of us at times... am I right?
How do I find resolve? That is a whole other blog post! This one is all about the running!
This is what I have learned about me...
When I feel like I can't express, or I don't feel understood I run. When I can't speak, I push.
Being the daughter of Vickie Cooper and the mother of Q is teaching me invaluable lessons. I see much of my mother's behavior in tendencies I try to fight. I see in my daughter's behavior things I did as a child and uncover more understanding about myself.
Much of what I am, is just that, what I am. This is how I'm wired.
I don't underestimate the power of traumatic experiences in the lives of young ones. I take seriously the trauma caused to a child when a parent is lost, or life is turned upside down at a young age. There is no maturity to understand either what is going on or how that translates into what you are feeling.
A lot of what we grow into is influenced by these experiences, and I think for a lot of my life my own trauma gave me answers. But, I look at my daughter with a father that is still here, who loves and supports her very much, who has suffered no 'trauma', and much of her behavior mirrors mine even still.
What that tells me... it is who we are...
What do we do with that piece of information?
See it, accept it, and try to change for the better. Still. At 36 years old!
AND, help my cute girl, who is wired the same as me, learn how to say what she needs, express herself in a healthy way, remember the truth, and especially to love her when she feels like she can't.
I of course am so much better than I used to be! I do look back, I do see change as I look at myself today and evaluate. This may be a life-long thing for me, but change is totally possible! I hope that eventually my tendency to run is only in my physical, literal love for the sport of it!
Oh the people who have dodged the bullet of me!
Not my M. He caught that bullet right between his teeth!
And even though he is the one I often run from (instead of to) when I can't speak, when I don't feel understood, the one who sometimes gets pushed away, the one who has to deal with my delightful self as I try to find my harmony again,
he has been the one thing that I have needed most!
He has always been right there! He has never walked away from me. He has always been consistent with his love.
There have been times that I have wished he would swoop in and save me, just read my mind and heart and love me, come after me and help me through whatever it is...
But how do I learn the lesson of saying what I need if I don't ever have to say it?
How do I learn to stop running if someone is always chasing after me?
It sure does suck sometimes, but it's what I need!
And as my best friend, he is always there to give me what I need, when I tell him what that is.
I'm so grateful to have him. I'm so grateful to have my kids. I'm so grateful for change and improvement. I'm so grateful for forgiveness and fresh starts. I'm so grateful for love that fills in the holes and gaps that sometimes don't make any sense.
Life is good.
Learning and refinement is good, even when it's hard.